It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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