this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
