I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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