So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Duck Duck Cougar?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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