Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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