Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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