ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
