I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
jump out the window naked night went bad
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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