She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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