ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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