the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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