who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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