Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
