census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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