Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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