So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
