I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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