I want to walk on stilts...naked
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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