Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
