you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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