I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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