I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
