just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
