Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
