You made me cry and you don't even care
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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