i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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