he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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