ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
