Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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