i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
