im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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