do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
