If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
