During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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