I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
