They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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