Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
