Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
