at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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