I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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