i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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