Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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