She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
