I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
