i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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