i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
