I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
