I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
