my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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