pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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