Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
